Why I choose to "submit" to a benevolently dominant man
95% of the time (girl math)… this is the easiest yes of my life. The 5% is where the paradox lives.
My hot husband and I were strolling through the farmer’s market the other day — me feeling so clutch in new peach-pink jeans, red leather boots, gold hoop earrings, linen jacket & shirt from a recent trip to Milan — and I was getting excited about some local mushroom gouda … of course I wanted to get two, or maybe three?
This Dutch lady can never have enough cheese. 🧀🥵💗
My Love firmly said “No, we’ll get one. We already have multiple cheeses in the fridge, and we’ll be returning to the market next week.”
Inside, my girly ego was instantly and momentarily scrunching her nose.
And after another couple of No's to impulse buys I wanted to make, I could see where this was going, and I just had to voice the inner dynamic out loud, "You know, sometimes … it just … rubs the wrong way being with a benevolently dominant man."
I said this in humorous self-awareness in the moment, popping my own inner pout, because I was already on the scent of the inner dynamics at play, in real time. Ego or eros, always.
With the differentiation that comes from knowing myself, attuning to the higher octave of how I want to live, I then SELECT my state of being.
The real thing?
My deeper, innermost Woman THRILLED.
Because I have chosen to be with a healthy, wise, cherishing, mature man who has my heart, my maturity, our money, and my best interests in mind — the benefits of surrendering to this "dominance" far outweigh the momentary ego prickles.
What are these benefits, Melanie?
I’m so glad you asked.
I’m inherently a selfish woman.
I’m the kindest, selfish b*tch you’ll ever meet.
So, inevitably it is about me — but also about him — and paradoxically in service to the world 😘
The Benefits of Being with a Benevolently Dominant Man
El numero uno, my nervous system can REST. It’s not on red hot “Karen alert” scanning the worldscape, weighing out every decision against survival dynamics, or deciding how to manage the behavior and actions of everyone around me. (Apologies to any actual Karens reading this, the cultural reference has nothing to do with you!)
Because he is not fighting my ego, nor pushing for airspace and authority, he has the energy and desire to do and tend things that just circulate more juicy goodness around our lives and home. He has spoken this out loud. My way of being initiates the desire in him to cherish me and do more for me.
I grow in intelligence, restraint and maturity. Which I like in myself. Under the guidance of my generally logical and grounded husband, I have gained much greater maturity, skillfulness, and steadiness in myself.
I have more energy for what truly matters to me. I mean, cheese matters, but not as much as being my effulgent, happy, juicy, blissed-out self. 😅
These benefits then create the conditions for paradox, which thrills my mutable Gemini heart.
The "Chosen Submission" Paradox
These chosen benefits mean I have more energy for the 5% of the moments in our relating that require some hard strokes from yours truly — when it is time for me to DIG IN, lay out all the cards, call forward, call very occasional ‘swamp’, or generally change our lives in their entirety because something persistently knocks on my psyche due to the enormity of its importance. These 5% moments can affect the other 95% — but if I was worried about the 95% I wouldn’t have the wherewithal to allow that gloriously disruptive 5% to come through. And this 5% ripples out and changes the world in many tiny wonderful ways.
A Big Fat Caveat
If something like the ‘Farmer’s market dynamics’ developed a sense of stickiness over time, or my general joy about going to the market was significantly affected by a continued energy of No, or I felt there was a growing imbalance in the ways we choose to spend our money in general — I would then ask to have what we call a "courageous conversation" in which we would both explore the dynamics, and make choices or select experiments about how we wanted to shift things in a different direction. We are here for the growth of it. We are here for the CHOICE of it. The art, the skill, the intelligent selection of it all.
I’m the least sporty person I know. But give me some relationship dynamics to "play with" and it’s my idea of a great time. Relationship as extreme sport.
#Relationshipasextremesport
